Monday, December 12, 2005

how to annoy people

just to lighten things up a bit...

How to Annoy Coworkers
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops, and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Hi-lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive Liquid. Call everyone Madge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing the printer. Sit there all day, and tell people you're waiting on your printout.
Every time someone asks you to do something--anything--ask them if they want fries with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send email messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the break room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Ohh, you've got to be faster than that!"
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Run one lap around the office at top speed.
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
Walk sideways to the photcopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that? I don't want to have to repeat it."
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, dang it--all of you!"
In a colleagues daytimer, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
Don an apron, find the vacuum, and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets.

How to Annoy Fellow Flight Passengers
Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection Program too?"
Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.
Call the stewardess "nurse".
Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...."
Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"
Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.
Continually offer to share your "Beano".
Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.
Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.
Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.
Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally.
Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."
Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.
Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "'My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."
Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"

How to Annoy The IRS
Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.
Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side.)
Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send a two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.
Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a supermarket sack.
When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.
These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are ONLY recommended when you OWE money.

How to Annoy Other Drivers
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio on.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
Ask people for Grey Poupon.
Let pedestrians know who's boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stop light.
Hang numerous car fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them; stroking them lovingly.
Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
While stopped at a light, pee out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
Paint your car with occult symbols.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Root for firetrucks.
Stop and collect roadkill.
Stop and pray to roadkill.
Throw Spam.
Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to ... a ...stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

How to Annoy People
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
don t use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets..
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

How to Annoy People in Elevators
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse and, while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, then announce: "I've got new socks on!". Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Bring a camera, and take pictures of everyone.
Move your desk into the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
Leave a box in a corner and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, "did you feel that?"
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic. They'll open up again."
Swat at flies that don't exist.
Tell people that you can see their aura.
Call out, "GROUP HUG!" and enforce it.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you're on.
Hold the doors open, and say that you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how's your day been?"
Drop a pen, and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, and then scream "That's mine!"

How to Annoy Wal-Mart Employees

(Actually titled 50 Ways to Have Fun in Wal-Mart, but I'm sure all these things WOULD annoy employees! Plus some more have been added.)

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in narrow aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
TP as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons.
Try on bras over top of your clothes.
Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me !! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

How to Annoy Women
[Wife] Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
[Wife] Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

How to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmates
Stick your palms under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Say, "Dang, this water is cold."
Drop a marble and say, "Oh crap...my glass eye!"
Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Grunt and strain for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of about 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, "Now how did that get there?"
In your best Letterman voice mumble, "Hummus. Reminds me of Humus."
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
Say, "Interesting, more floaters than sinkers."
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please."
Fill a balloon with creamed corn .. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter creamed corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the Coke, Tylenol, and sardines you had for breakfast.
Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
Say, "Dang, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
Read the graffiti on the walls out loud. Answer each one with, "Hmmm, yeah!" Every so often ask, "Is this YOUR number?"
Yell, and pretend to have a conversation with someone in the adjoining women's bathroom.
Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
Desperately yell, "HEY! Could I get some toilet paper here!!!" Then mutter, "Where IS that bathroom attendant?! ...Mom?!"
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-Boo!"

tags: