a little perspective

I'm going to a funeral tomorrow. it's for a neighbor of mine. he was my age and had brain cancer. it seemed to happen very fast. like my wife heard about it, went to visit and he was gone the next day. I'm sure he had time to reflect on his life; accept his approaching demise with dignity. at some point there is nothing left to do except reflect on what you've accomplished with your life. no other goals will ever be; there's no more planning, there's just what is and the memory of what was. I feel like there is so much that I still want to do; I'm not ready to accept my demise. I don't feel I have to yet. but when death happens so close to home, it forces an evaluation. for all I know I could have cancer too. I'm not really a smoker but I've had a problem with my throat for a month now (the current diagnoses is LPR). the doc put me on some meds and if there's not enough improvement I'll go see an ENT doc. sometimes it just doesn't work out and the best modern medicine can do isn't going to matter.

yeah, there's still a lot I want to accomplish. I'm making plans. I just finished a three day backpack through Yosemite on the John Muir Trail (JMT). it was tough for me (felt like an old man sometimes) but really just a continuation of constant improvement through challenges. I did it with my son and was imagining doing the same hike with my (as yet nonexistent) grandson in twenty years. I'd be 68 then. that's one of my dreams... to be in good enough shape to do a ten mile backpack hike at 68 and to see my legacy continue. that's the natural way it's supposed to happen. our parents are getting to the falling apart stage where death is a reasonable consideration. but not for guys like me in their 40's! then again, a true warrior always lives with death at his side and so is always prepared to die. in so doing, he lives to the fullest, right?

anyway, we made it to the top of Clouds Rest -- overlooking the Yosemite valley. so nice to be in that beauty and away from the crowds of civilization. all our days are numbered; maybe my dreams won't happen. maybe my ashes could be tossed in the wind from Clouds Rest by my sons. I'd like that. but who knows?