for some reason today I joined classmates.com and looked up people I knew 30 years ago (westchester high, class of '77). haven't been in contact with any of them at all. didn't really have much contact with them back in high school either. so what was my motivation? why dig up these old memories, dwell and wallow in the past? is there something unresolved? I have a much better life now than those raw, tumultous years into which I was thrown without support. I guess it's the fact that it's still my history, regardless of how dull, unenjoyable and alienating it was. it is a challenge I must ping, like an old, healed wound against which I may test my strength and confidence. I read and note how old these classmates have gotten - like their lives are over. in many ways I still feel fresh and looking forward for new things; many new things to try, people to meet... I think I'm in better shape now physically, financially and emotionally than I've ever been in my life. I don't want to go back to that time of young helplessness. but I don't want to brag or look for a fight either. so what is my motivation? I think of the old U2 song "I still haven't found what I'm looking for", except hmm, I still don't know, what I'm looking for...
